emoji dream of emoji

Virtual Emoji

Improve your social media presence with the latest development in emoji technology

Hey can you do me a favor? I need some bagels and I can’t actually move around much right now. Could you pick some up when you come over? [smiling face emoji}

You need bagels? Sure πŸ‘, how many and what kind?

Get me eight. Four garlic and four onion. Thanks!
[person bowing deeply emoji]

Ok, no problem 
 Though your emoji game is seriously lacking πŸ˜€

That just shows how little you know. My emoji game, as you call it, is far more sophisticated than yours. You are an emoji novice [smirking face emoji], barely above the emoticon level.

What are you talking about?

You are using simple pictographic emojis. Primitive. I, on the other hand, know how to incorporate the more nuanced virtual emojis into my writing. It’s easier and more expressive [fingernail-contemplating smugness emoji].

WTF is a virtual emoji?πŸ˜•

It is a tacit emoji that simply refers to the little picture thingie without actually having to look it up.

Don't you have regular emojis? 😘

I have them, but there are so many that they bewilder me. You have to hover the cursor forever to find out what each one means, and then it never turns out to be the one you want. I find it easier simply to type the desired meaning in brackets. The bracketed words then refer to the emoji, which in turn refers to the emotion in need of expression. The actual emoji is merely implied, never really used. Think of it as para-semiotic writing.

Ok now I understand. You got a nap and I didn't.

Virtual emojis work just as well as the real ones, and you save yourself a lot of trouble by not having to search for them every time [flustered man looking through open file cabinet emoji].

That emoji doesn't exist! I'm not sure about the fingernail one, either.

That’s an additional advantage of the technique. You can use brackets to refer to emojis that haven’t been invented yet. No need to wait [time waiting for no man emoji]. Virtual emojis just bypass the need for a picture entirely. They let you express emotions that are too subtle or that might be difficult to represent with pictographs. For example [schadenfreude emoji] or [penis envy emoji].

You know, you might actually be onto something.

You can combine virtual emojis with pictographic ones or with each other to make compound emojis. Then you can express ideas that are even more complex! [you πŸ› me emoji]

Are you coming on to me?😚


I think virtual emojis are even better than the real ones. There’s actually no need to use the silly pictures anymore. We could just string virtual emojis together like words in a sentence and communicate that way.

That's an incredible idea! It could revolutionize the way people use Facebook!πŸ™„

It isn’t really my idea. It dates back to the cavemen.

Cavemen invented virtual emojis?

Sure. They invented words so they wouldn’t have to draw pictures of everything in the dirt [man with stick scratching picture of attacking tiger in sand emoji].

I see.

But seriously thanks for picking up the bagels [man eating lox with onions and cream cheese on toasted garlic bagel emoji].

No problem. So, how come you can't get out of the house?

[mouse in shower 😱 slip ♿️ emoji].

2 thoughts on “Virtual Emoji”

  1. Dear Allen:

    Your essay on emoj’s is very funny. I’ve missed your thematic expositions. I was trying to picture a penis envy emoji but it just wouldn’t compute. Besides if they had one I would probably think it was a picture of a banana since it would be yellow and a penis is brown although on my iPad I can make the hand signals in the symbols section look the color of any racial persuasion so why can’t they make a penis do that?

    And…..”a man eating lox and onions and cream cheese on a toasted garlic bagel” emoji would not make sense. How would you know the bagel was garlic flavored? You would need an emoji that people could smell and I don’t think one has been invented yet.

  2. Regine, you are absolutely correct to call me out on this inconsistency. In fact, it’s not a garlic bagel at all. And how do we know this? It’s because they’re always out of garlic and we have to settle for poppy. As for odors, virtual emojis handle them quite well [woman in Sierra mountain village sipping chardonnay with floral accents emoji].
    I’ve been sidelined for a couple months going through some minor surgeries, left me in no mood to write. Hope you are well!

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